I have always been the type of person who goes against the norms of what society deems normal. I never wanted to wear the latest holister clothes, or be hip to the newest music. I always and still do like the classics, be it rock, country, or rap. Of course I love some black/death metal as well. Ever since I was a kid I can remember my father being a country boy, wanted me to wear plaid shirts, blue jeans and cut my hair off short. I always wanted long hair and to dress like skateboarders, being that I was one myself.
I remember in 2006, going to the mall with my mom. Being that I was intrigued by the goth style at the time, she took me to this amazing store called hot topic. In case you don’t know, it’s a punk alternative store or plain and simply, gothic. I was so intrigued with the black baggy chained pants and I had to have a pair. And being that I saw Marilyn Manson and immediately loved his music, and still do. I wanted to do his makeup style to complete my gothic look. Well, that didn’t sit well with my dad being the country boy he is, so my mom use to let me sneak it on when he wasn’t home hahaha.
I finally found something that I loved and was my own, I had the long hair, the Tripp pants, sometimes the makeup when I could. I got a lot of shit from peers who didn’t get why I was dressing the way I was, but who also never bothered to even ask. I always felt like an outcast in society and never understood why. Then one day it clicked, it’s because I see things in a way that the rest of the world doesn’t agree with or understand.
I was and still am the type of person who, if I’m interested in something I will study it to the very essence of its beginning. I often got called a fag by many people through my life as a young teenager. I felt so rejected by everyone and wasn’t getting how they could treat me like that. I remember at this time being introduced to Christianity, and I tried with everything to embrace it, because for once I felt like I belonged.
It wouldn’t be long before I would again feel the unsightly rejection I’ve come to know and hate from the church. Being told I was possessed by Satan and not being welcomed in the church, I began to wonder....why do these people hate me? What the fuck did I do? It again years later became clear, they were never exposed to things outside of their norm. I gradually began to hate the church and the so-called god with everything I had.
I tried for years to be accepted by the church and to be that good Christian. But there was no denying my natural instincts as a human. If I was going to hell, atleast I’d be somewhere I was accepted. Well of course hell isn’t real but, the very idea appealed to me, and fascinated me. I watched videos of satanism on YouTube and felt as if I was hearing my own thoughts. I studied the philosophy with everything I had.
Now for the very first time, I found a philosophy that celebrated being just human, and that encouraged me to be my own god. I was able to be free of the hypocrites who cast me out, it’s as if I was living Lucifers very life. I began to call upon this mystical being I call satan, and gradually learned that through my own ego, I could control my life and make things happen in accordance with my will. I learned and employed the destruction ritual very quickly.
Those who would cause harm to me or insult me, I would employ the destruction ritual, to their demise. It is then that I began to believe in satanic magic. I realized I control what I want, and I can’t make my enemy pay for the things they’ve done to me. Satan has always been a great representation of self reliance for me, but also a great symbol for pride. Pride in myself, and pride in whatever it is I do that benefits me, or those I care about.
This was a sort of short story about my views even to this day, I still am against the “norms” of society. I as a parent now encourage my child to be how they want, and not let anyone make them become someone they’re not. I hope this speaks to people out there in the same spot as I was. Satanism has truly set me apart from the heard, and truly allowed me to be free and proud of it.